after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
