im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
