Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
