she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
