His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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