You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
