I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
