smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
