I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
