DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
