my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
