so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
