She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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