in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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