Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize