before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
