You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
