There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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