i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
