a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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