I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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