shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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