He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
When did angry sex become our thing?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
