You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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