P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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