Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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