My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
