So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
