I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
