I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
