I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
