so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
