Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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