Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
