So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
