The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
