Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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