I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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