Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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