I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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