there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
