im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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