im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
