My Higher Power is John Stamos
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
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I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
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Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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