Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
