You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
