halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
