your parents love me but you hate me
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
