She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
