Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
