I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
