dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It's never too late to be topless.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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