apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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