Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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