i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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